The Joys Of Holidaying With Children

all these toys are MINE!

Not hair related. 

Holidays pre children: 

carry book, towel, beach cover-up, phone, sunglasses, sunblock and lip balm to pool. Spread towel on sunbed. Lie down. Read. Swim. Browse. Nap. Drink cocktails. Wake up with stinking hangover. Rinse and repeat. 

Holidays post children: 

pack all above plus: diapers (normal and swim), wipes, swimsuits (long sleeved and regular), sun hat, baby sunblock, hooded towel, floaties, pool toys, beach toys, several changes of clothes, snacks and drinks and head to pool. 

Spread towel on sunbed. Wrestle child out of clothes and into swimmies. Use persuasion and/or threats. Pin child down to apply sunblock. Wipe tears. Child deflects all tactics to put on floaties. Sit anxiously watching child flirt with danger aka floater-less splashing in shallows. Read 12 words of book in between. Bore social media friends with  pictures of child. Judge other people for allowing their rough children anywhere near your precious angel. Angel falls and turns into banshee. Other people judge you for ruining peace and quiet. Escape to beach sans hat. Child selects hottest, least sheltered section of beach to build sandcastles. Realise you forgot to apply sunblock on yourself and now have third degree burns. Return cranky, dehydrated, sand-covered child to pool. Wrestle child into mandatory rinse shower. Child refuses to leave said shower. More judging looks for standing by while child wastes water. Act like don't care. Child befriends other child then steals all his/her toys. Other child cries. Parent gives you tight smile. Parent offers your child sugary, carbonated drink. You give parent tight smile. Pry now hyperactive child away from other child's toys. Tantrum ensues. Other pool-goers give you full on evil eye. Act as if child isn't yours. Attempt to have adult conversation with anyone. Constantly interrupted by 'I want, I want'. Give up. Child requests the one snack you don't have. Quickly distract child by pointing at nothing. Gaze at parents with more than one child with pity and awe. Vow to imitate eyes-in-back-of-head, mind-reading and octopus-like abilities they possess. Child falls into pool while you indulge in three second super-power daydream. Fish child out with phone in hand. Child is unharmed. Phone is not so lucky. Look at watch sure the end of the day is near. Realise only an hour has gone by. Lose will to live.