Thursday, 20 November 2014

Which Natural Are You? *Warning: Will cause offence*

1. The Product Junkie
The most common of the species, the Product Junkie, or 'PJ', is often found trawling beauty aisles looking for their next fix. PJs always acknowledge that they are PJs but rarely admit how much they actually spend on their habit. Any amount the PJ confesses to spending on products should be multiplied by 10 to get a more realistic idea. PJs will ALWAYS know what the latest, most desirable, most exclusive product or gadget on the scene is. And they will usually own it, or go bankrupt trying.

2. The OG
Easily identified by the bored look on their faces and the barely controlled irritation in their voices, OGs are those rare creatures that have been natural FO' EVER! Before natural was cool. Yeah, they're those people. Should you be brave enough to try and impart some of your new-found wisdom to an OG, you will be shot down faster than you can say 'Black Hawk Down'. The OG anthem features lines like 'I've been using Dax Pomade forever and my hair is fine'. If your paths should cross, duck your silicone-free head and cross the road, quickly!

3. The Oil Slick
Also known as 'The Heavy Hand', the oil slick can easily be tracked by the stains they leave on every chair, wall and pillowcase that crosses their path. Usually sporting a greasy forehead with a generous sprinkling of resulting acne, the oil slick eats 'dime-sized' for lunch and causes an environmental crisis every time they go swimming.

4. The Know-It-All
The Know-It-All is a member of every natural forum and online group known to man. Usually the first to answer any questions, the KIA uses a friendly yet authoritative tone to dispense information, even when they're talking complete kaka. When they come late to the party, they will simply summarize what everyone above has said, correcting as they go. KIAs rarely admit they're wrong. If they do, screen shot this. It is an event more rare than a solar eclipse. They are usually natural Nazis and often become bloggers.

5. The Blogger
A blogger is a know-it-all with a platform where they can regurgitate the same old tripe uninterrupted. Natural-hair Bloggers usually have a PhD from the University Of Plagiarism with a major in I Don't Have An Original Bone In My Body and a minor in How To Re-word The Same Topic A Million Different Ways. Bloggers are a study in The Theory of Evolution, with a million born every minute but only a few making it out of the tar to become real-live, walking, talking, living-off-their-blog-earnings gurus. Wannabe bloggers with below-average writing skills defer to Tumbler.

6. The Peacock
The peacock co-exists peacefully in the same forum as the know-it-all and usually has a rapt, loyal following. The Peacock's party trick is recycling the same tired shot of their hair with captions like 'My Curls Today', 'Wash & Go!' 'How I Wore It To The Office; Yay or Nay?' usually followed by a million 'likes' and 'you're so pretty' comments. Peacocks have mastered the art of the humblebrag; 'Caught in a downpour, can't believe my do survived' (subtext: look how awesome my hair looks!' *trout pout*). Peacock + Selfies = Instagram.

7. The Lazy Natural
The most despised creature in the Natural Kingdom, the lazy natural seems to do absolutely nothing  to their hair yet still sport a head of thick, shiny, ankle length hair. When asked their regimen, the Lazy Natural can be overhead saying; 'gosh, I can't even remember the last time I did my hair' "I just use whatever shampoo I can find'. 'Satin bonnet? What's that?'.

8. The Wild Child
The experimenter, The Wild Child is that rare species that doesn't seem to give a hoot about their hair. This can not be learned or mimicked; it's a clear case of nature, not nurture. The Wild Child changes their hair more often than some people change underwear. Long one day, short the next, Fro-hawk, Mo-hawk, Purple Hair, Polka Dots, Box Braids, Wigs, name it, the Wild Child has done it. The other naturals gaze upon this creature with awe and envy and fear. 

9. The Bandwagoner
Not to be confused with the Product Junkie, the Bandwagoner can be found in the wake of every new hair trend/technique. Going Natural, Check! Curly Girl, Check! Water Only, Check! Maximum Hydration, Check! You name it, they'll try it. Bloggers love partnering with Bandwagoners to spice up their otherwise mind-numbing monologues. It is not unusual to find bandwagoners participating in two or three challenges at a go: Castor-oil Challenge+Onion Juice Challenge+Cayenne Pepper Challenge? Check and Mate.

10. The Newbie
The babies of the group. So fresh they still smell of relaxers, they drag their thin ends and damaged hairlines to the warm bosom of the natural community, some still holding on tightly to their texturisers. They will be taken under the wing by one or the other of the species and metamorph into them, starting with The Product Junkie followed by The Bandwagoner. An important part of the ecosystem, the relevance of The Know-It-All and The Peacock would probably dwindle to the point of extinction without them.

11. The One That Got Away
AKA The One That Went Back To Relaxers. Those that dare will be met with howls of outrage. The weight of a movement rests on our collective shoulders, don't they know? Their departure only makes our load heavier. And fuels the jeering mob baying on the outskirts; 'Don't you own a comb?!' 'Are you an artist?' 'Why don't you ever DO your hair!'

So, which natural are you?


  1. Hahahahahahaaa!!! I am a Lazy Natural!! Teeheeeheeee!!!

  2. Definitely a lazy lazy lazy natural!

  3. Fun and well written piece, an enjoyable read. I've probably been a few of this at one point or another and now firmly settled on being a Lazy Natural, less the ankle length hair. I've clearly missed something!

  4. Wild child, lazy natural

  5. Hahahaha! The only people who are offended are the ones too uptight to laugh at themselves. I'm definitely a know-it-all and an oil slick---but I'm getting better! Great writing!

  6. I'm the OG. Ain't no betta sealant than 'grwease'! You can keep your science of why grease is bad, my hair is thick and long.